by Rabbi Mordechai Rhine

One of the commandments of the Torah is “You shall be proper in front of G-d, and in front of people.” That is to say, if you are doing something which is perfectly allowed but appears to people as “very non-kosher,” you should either not do it, or you should explain to them what you are doing. The fact that you know, and G-d knows, that you are acting properly, is not sufficient. Not only must you do what is good in front of G-d, but you must also be clean in the eyes of people.

The Talmud gives examples of people who fulfilled this commandment correctly. The Talmud relates that the Avtinus family was in charge of the spices used in the Beis Hamikdash. The women of that family would not use perfume… because someone might think that they pilfered good perfumes from the holy coffers.

Likewise the Garmu family, who was in charge of making the showbreads, would never serve bread made of fine flour on their own table. They were concerned that someone might think that they had derived personal benefit from the communal flour.

The question that confronts us is that these behaviors would have been normal and legitimate. It is normal for women to apply perfume, and for people to serve fine bread. Just because someone might think that they did wrong…? Is that a reason not to live life normally? Why should we care what others think?

One reason to care about what others think is that if we don’t care, the momentum of goodness is diminished. Even if nothing bad occurred, if it looks like immoral activity occurred that alone is a desecration of G-d’s Name.

But there is another- far more personal reason- to care about what other people will think.

I recall hearing of an eighth grade class that was on a fourth grade reading level. A new teacher was assigned to the class, and by the end of the year she had raised their reading level to that of a normal eighth grade. At the graduation she was commended for her success, but she made light of it saying, “When I saw their IQs written in the roll book, on the first day of school, I knew they would succeed. With a class with such high IQs there really was nothing to it.”

The principal listened to the teacher’s words with astonishment. Only he knew that the numbers in the roll book were not IQ numbers, but rather locker numbers.

The lesson is that if someone thinks a certain way about you, you are bound to fulfill their expectations. People’s perceptions of us can make an enormous impact on our lives.

A number of weeks ago I was walking in a shopping area with my family. I was fairly preoccupied with the goings on of my children, so I didn’t notice much of the people around me. But as we passed one of the clothing stores I noticed one of the local young men sitting in front of the store reading a book. I courteously waved and continued walking, not giving much thought as to why he was there. But as I continued walking he ran after me and said, “I just want you to know that I am driving my grandmother around shopping today. She is in that store buying things for herself, so I am waiting.”

I wondered why he felt the need to explain himself. Quite frankly I am not so judgmental and I hadn’t given it much thought. But the truth is that he was correct in sharing. Because there is a risk that one could wonder what a nice Jewish teen is doing sitting in front of a women’s clothing store. What would someone’s perception of him be when they think of who to invite for a Torah class or another mitzvah endeavor? A young man will become what people think of him. Knowing that he spent his Sunday afternoon chauffeuring Grandma is a most uplifting piece of information.

People’s perceptions of us are self fulfilling. A family that is thought of as stealing perfume from the Beis Hamikdash will one day come to steal from the Beis Hamikdash. One of the questions we should ask of our friends and mentors is, “What… are you expecting… of me?” Because the expectations of those closest to us, are the realities of tomorrow.

With best wishes for a wonderful Shabbos.

© 2014 by TEACH613