Constructive Attitudes for Shemiras Halashon: Lessons from the Torah 

By Rabbi Mordechai Rhine, Southeast Hebrew Congregation, White Oak

One of the prominent themes of the Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur season is the importance of building good interpersonal relationships. The name of the Hebrew month preceding Rosh Hashana, “Elul”[1] is viewed as an acronym for the verse in Shir HaShirim (6:3), “Ani Lidodi Vidodi Li – I am to my beloved and my beloved is to me.” This description of a warm relationship is true in our relationship with Hashem, and is also meant to be reflected in our interpersonal relationships with neighbors, friends, and relatives. In fact, another one of the acronyms associated with the word “Elul” is the verse from Esther (9:22) “Ish Lireyeyhu Umatanos Loevyonim – Each person to [focus properly] on their friend, and giving gifts to the poor.”[2]

In addition to proactive acts of kindness, which are most appropriate for this time of year,[3]  it is important to recognize the power of speech in interpersonal relationships. Although speech doesn’t appear to be an action[4] we are well aware that a nurturing comment can brighten and enliven a person, while a derogatory comment can cut them down.  As Shlomo HaMelech stated, “Death and Life are in the power of the tongue.”[5]

In fact, according to tradition, one of the distinctive qualities of the human being is the power of speech. When describing the creation of man, Targum describes man as “Ruach Mimalila – The one who speaks.”[6] Likewise in Kabbalistic literature there are four levels of creation: “Inanimate, Plants, Animals, The one who speaks.”[7] In fact, when a person dies, the significant feature that is lost is noted by describing him as “Yordei Duma – Descending into silence,”[8] reflecting the fact that he can no longer speak.[9]

Indeed, speech is a powerful feature of the human being, and it is through mitzvos related to proper speech that we set the tone and ambiance of our homes and lives. Let us examine some events from T’nach and discover lessons and perspectives relevant to the mitzvah of Shemiras Halashon (proper speech).

CHAVA and THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE

One of the greatest catalysts for disparaging speech is the feeling of being deeply offended, especially by someone to whom we felt very close and who we trusted. An example of this is Chava in Gan Eden, where Chava is led to believe that Hashem withheld some goodness from her, and that she could acquire that goodness by eating the forbidden fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. What puts Chava in a compromised mental state is that Hashem was introduced to her as benevolent, kind, and loving.  That He would withhold something of this goodness from her was troubling; to eat it was quite enticing. And so Chava accepted the Lashon Horah about Hashem, and ate the forbidden fruit. By the time the story is over we realize that the prohibition of eating of the Tree was for Adam and Chava’s benefit. Had they not eaten, they would not have been introduced to sin on a personal experiential level, and would have progressed directly into the World-to-Come, benefitting themselves forever.[10]

What emerges is the importance of the principle: “Hevei Dan Likaf Zechus- Judge others favorably.”[11] When someone offends us we are obligated [in most cases] to refrain from assuming the worst. We are enjoined from reaching negative conclusions and then speaking to others about the offense. This is especially true when the person is someone close to us. We are deeply offended when it seems to us that someone close to us would offend us so deeply. However the principle of Hevei Dan Likaf Zechus says that precisely in such a case of perceived profound hurt, it is probable that the person never intended to, or actually did not, do the wrong that we are attributing to him or her.

This lesson is quite useful in marriage, business, and all close relationships. The closer the supposed offender is to us, the more deeply hurt and offended we may feel. But the reality is that what seems to be a catalyst for feeling so violated should actually be a catalyst to give us pause. A person so close to us probably didn’t mean the terrible violation that we feel. Instead of fallout, we can judge favorably, and when we will be ready we can have a calm conversation about how we feel about what occurred.

A Case in Point: A woman related that a very close friend suddenly broke off contact with her without explanation. She called this friend for a number of favors, and just to chat, and never received a call back. After the first wave of confusion and resentment had passed, she described how she calmed herself, “and went over to my [former] friend’s home to say hello. I had no idea why she broke contact with me, and just wanted to say that I would consider us friends forever. Her daughter answered my knock at the door, and said Mom wasn’t available. When she saw my confusion, she gently explained that her mom was very sick. It was only because I stayed calm and insisted on the friendship that I found out what was going on and was able to help.”  

 

AVRAHAM and SARA

One of the greatest marriages of all time was that of Avraham and Sara. Together, as a pair, they introduced monotheism to the world.[12] The Talmud (Baba Basra 58a) records that the image of Avraham and Sara is that of them embracing. Nevertheless, when Sara uses the expression, “My husband is old,”[13] Hashem purposely does not repeat her quote verbatim[14] because even if true, it would still have been hurtful to Avraham to hear that Sara spoke about him like that.

We have already pointed out that a disparaging remark made by someone we love and hold dear is particularly painful. This is certainly reinforced by the story of Avraham and Sara, and the sensitivity with which Hashem repeated the Sara’s comment.

Another theme that emerges from this story is that one is not at liberty to speak Lashon Horah about family members.  Sometimes spouses, parents, children, or siblings feel that they are entitled to speak about those close to them. The Chofetz Chaim points out that the laws of Lashon Horah apply even on close relatives. He writes, “Those who think they may speak about a spouse or in-laws to their family, are mistaken.” [15] Likewise, parents are not allowed to speak Lashon Horah about their children to neighbors and friends. Just because one is very close to the person they are speaking to, or very close to the person they are speaking about, does not make it okay. If something constructive can be accomplished, then a comment might be made privately and with great care. But indiscriminate speaking about those close to us is prohibited.

YOSEF and THE SHEVATIM

The story of Yosef and his brothers is a window into another consideration that is helpful in observing Shemiras Halashon. The commentaries say that one of the arguments between Yosef and his brothers was regarding their status, being that they lived before the Torah was given. Were they considered Jewish or not? This legitimate disagreement (among others) degenerated into a lack of trust between them. Yosef’s brother felt that he was finding fault in them and trying to disenfranchise them from the Jewish family when he spoke negatively about them to their father, Yakov. They truly felt that they were acting in self defense when they sold Yosef away.

Rabbi Shimon Schwab[16] observes that Yosef called his child Menashe, “For I forget the toil that occurred in my father’s house.” Apparently Yosef regretted the charged nature of arguing that occurred, preferring (in retrospect) a forum that would have allowed for more respectful Machlokes between them. Indeed, Machlokes destroys. But Machlokes – when channeled correctly- can  build and bring blessing, as we find in much of the Talmud, and in the Jewish literature that follows.

In practice, we must come to recognize that different views may represent different legitimate perspectives. As motivated as we may be to speak out against wrong, we also must recognize that differences in style may be unique expressions of commitment to the very values that we hold dear.

A Case in Point: “A yarmulka or a hat” is for some a feature that is assumed to speak volumes about the wearer’s  attitude and philosophy. Knowing this, a friend of mine went to a family simcha wearing the head-covering that he was used to wearing, although it was different than the type of head-covering which is typically worn by those living in the area in which the simcha was being held. At the simcha, someone (quite indiscreetly) approached him, and asked (just out of curiosity) if he felt out of place. He responded, “No, I actually do not feel out of place at all. It is a family simcha.”

I once read a prediction of how things would be when Moshiach came. He would come to a shul to present himself, and they would say, “It can’t be that you are Moshiach. Your head-covering doesn’t match the type we are expecting Moshiach to wear.” So he changed his head-covering to accommodate the expectations. But when he came to the next shul, he was again met with an unreceptive audience, because his head-covering didn’t match theirs. Eventually, Moshiach concludes- the story goes- that the Jewish people have not quite risen out of the Sinas Chinom[17] of history, and are not quite ready for his coming.   

THE MIRAGLIM (SPIES)

Sometimes we may experience a feeling of animosity that has little to do with the person about whom we wish to speak Lashon Horah. Instead it is our selves that color our perception and give us the feelings that we have. This is similar to someone who wears glasses that are smudged and thinks that the whole world is fuzzy, or someone who wears red tinted glasses and thinks the whole world is tinted red.

Many commentaries say that the Miraglim (spies) were afraid of the changes that would occur when they entered the Promised Land.[18] They were anxious about the changes which might include a different structure of authority and status. As such, they found all kinds of problems with the plan to enter the land. But careful analysis reveals that their fears were not objective ones. Rather they were self-serving excuses  to justify the conclusion that they personally felt. The Torah records[19] that they were in their own eyes like grasshoppers (inadequate), and therefore they perceived the nations as looking down at them.

Likewise, when we are tempted to belittle someone else, it is worthwhile to ask, “How much of this is about him/her, and how much of this is about me?”  “Is it possible that my feelings are those of jealousy, and I only think less about them because of my perception of my own status and goodness?”

An Observation: A child said that she doesn’t like to play on a see-saw. When asked why, she replied, “Because in order for me to get up, I need to put someone else down.”

GEDALYA BEN ACHIKAM

One of the scariest wake-up calls to study the laws of proper Shemiras Halashon is the case of Gedalya (the governor of Eretz Yisroel after the first Beis Hamikdash was destroyed) who did not accept constructive Lashon Horah when he should have. Gedalya acted sincerely, but by ignoring warnings about a rebellion, he caused his own death and the deaths of many others.[20] The tragedy of sincere observance gone awry was deemed so significant that we have a fast day (the day after Rosh Hashana) to commemorate the event.

The story of Gedalya highlights the importance of careful halachic observance of Shemiras Halashon. Just saying that we will never talk or listen to bad about anyone isn’t a valid course of action. Sometimes the Lashon Horah is constructive, and must be attended to. As with any topic in Judaism, just forbidding or being strict is not true observance.[21] Rather, proper knowledge of what is forbidden and what is permitted is required.

A Case in point: A woman relates that when she did checking for her daughter’s shidduch, everyone told her the boy was really wonderful. Only after the marriage, after it became clear that the young man was dealing with a heavily medicated mental illness, did people begin saying that they knew about the condition for many years. Two children and four years later, the family still deals with a breach of integrity and honest disclosure, partially resulting from a misguided compliance to the laws of Lashon Horah.[22]

Speech is a special gift to mankind. By sensitizing ourselves to the Torah’s lessons about speech we can improve our use of speech, and enhance our lives and the lives of those around us. May the High Holiday season be one that leaves us on a high with Hashem, as well as with our neighbors, friends, and family.

 

 

[1] Spelled in Hebrew, Alef, Lamed, Vuv, Lamed.

[2] Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 128:1.

[3] See Ramoh Yoreh Deah (Hilchos Tzedaka) 247:3, “Just as he wants Hashem to listen to his entreaty, he should listen to the entreaty of the poor”; Rashi Parshas Re’eh (Devorim 16:11) Hashem says, “You take care of My people, and I’ll take care of those close to you.”; as well as the statement in Mussaf of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur “Tzedaka removes a bad decree.”

[4] Indeed in certain Talmudic applications prohibitions regarding speech are described as “Prohibitions that do not involve an action” (Sanhedrin 63b).

[5] Mishlei 18:21.

[6] Targum Bireishis 2:7.

[7] See for example Rabbeinu Bechaye, introduction to Parshas Vayakheil.

[8] Tehillim 115:17.

[9] See also, Rabbi Ahron Lopiansky, Time Pieces, “Rosh Hashana: The Revelation of Speech.”

[10] Ramchal in Derech Hashem, Book 1- 3:6.

[11] Mishna, Avos 1:6.

[12] Rashi to Bireishis 12:5, “Avraham guided the men; Sara guided the women.”

[13] Bireishis 18:12.

[14] See Bireishis 18:13.

[15] Hilchos Lashon Horah 8:1-2.

[16] Maayan Beis Hashoeiva, Mikeitz

[17] Literally: hatred without basis. Refers to a lack of mutual respect, which should have been present despite disagreement or styles of expression.

[18] See for example Meshech Chochma, Bamidbar 13:30.

[19] Bamidbar 13:33.

[20]Yirmiya 41:9;  Talmud, Niddah 61a.

[21] Ein Horoh Liisur, Rashi Kesubos 7a.

[22] The very same verse (Vayikra 19:16) which forbids “Tale-bearing” also warns “Not to stand idly by” as someone is damaged. The Chofetz Chayim devoted large sections of his classic work on Lashon Horah and Richilus to the rules of Constructive Lashon Horah. As these laws are full of nuance and considerations, an expert halachic advisor should be consulted in such cases.